When Gold Digging Isn't such a Bad Idea

WHEN GOLD DIGGING ISN’T SUCH A BAD IDEA

Recently I have talked to people and worked with clients/organisations that are asking the question; what is going on with today’s male child? I should say, that there are men who are on track, but popular opinion shows there is something that has gone completely wrong with today’s man. Some organisations blame it on the problem of absentee fathers in the recent centuries. I shall not mention names, as I prefer to write this like an ordinary observer in the web of our social norms, not a researcher or anything ‘official’.

A long, long time ago, some people wrote books and told their children that the role of the man was to provide for his family. Years passed by, the man provided; the woman maintained the home and looked after her husband and her children. But as time went by, humans, as is their making, kept evolving and there were no bushes to hunt, and earth became very mean and difficult for man alone to provide. So woman also went out in the cold and started bringing home food, and the roles that were once cherished began to tilt. Somewhere along the way, man became very comfortable with staying home, and woman noticed her potential to deliver outside the walls of her home. The problem is that while woman realised she can do anything, man relaxed and accepted help from woman but was not willing to learn what woman had always been doing at home. What resulted was a world where woman thought she was breaking free and trying out everything and man on the other hand thought he was getting a break and everything rested in the hands of woman. Again, I must ask you to realise that I know not everybody is like that. We are talking about a segment of our society and perhaps you know someone who falls in this category. It doesn’t have to be you.

Let’s talk about today, 2014, Uganda. I will begin with our villages, because often when you talk about women and hard work, people think of the women in power, ruling Kampala. But I will tell you about the village woman. I have had the privilege of working with grassroots women and men in different organisations, all around the country. In most, if not all villages, even if the problem is at slightly different levels, the women are overworked. The Ugandan village woman wakes up in the morning and makes sure she provides and prepares food for her family. There are women that told us they grew cash crops to get money for their kids’ school fees but soon as they sold off their produce, their husbands took the money and spent it on alcohol. Some men do work. But when they do, their women never see the money. Others just go off to play cards and drink beer, while their women take care of the family. In some societies, even the house the family lives in is built by the women. If you travel to up country towns and trading centres, you will see these men, young and old, under trees or in bars, sometimes as early as 10am.

That aside, perhaps we should consider the city family. Many women go to work at the same time as their men. But they usually must wake up earlier to prepare breakfast and must be home earlier to prepare dinner. Again, I know there are men who share these chores but like I said, we are talking about that group of people that may not include you but perhaps somebody you know. In many cases, the woman’s money is spent on bills and household maintenance which seems small to most male minds, especially those who have no idea why there has to be kitchen towels and table clothes. The man can afford to go out and spend his money with his friends, sometimes taking the wife out to dinner and claiming to be the one who pays the bills.

Most importantly, the reason I actually wrote this, is for the young people who are dating. Girls are often accused of looking for men with money, and therefore especially in Kampala, girls are branded gold diggers. I talked to a few colleagues whose names I shall not mention because this is an observation piece, not anything formal that requires bibliography and references or appendices. I happen to know a girl who got married a few years ago and she said her husband accused her of being a gold digger. She said, to my shock, that she didn’t deny it. She told him to his face “why not? I cook for you, I raise your children, and I maintain the house and do your laundry and everything else. Do you think I am your slave? If you don’t bring money to this relationship, then what do you bring? And don’t tell me you bring you, because I bring myself as well and that is square.” I have been thinking about her for quite a while now.

There are things only women can pull off. Like those girls that are so pretty men be with them just for prestige, as trophy girlfriends. A man unfortunately cannot pull that off. You can’t just be cute and think it’s enough for a woman. Women always are helpful around the house and no matter how dumb they are they seem to work fine enough for many men. But if a man doesn’t earn anything, and he wants to be the woman’s cute handbag, it doesn’t work so well. There are men that are quite hard working and when they stay home they could also be helpful and maintain the home. But those are very few. Today’s boys want to stay home and watch TV and play video games, and call their girlfriend from work and ask her to bring some food from a take away restaurant. And many girls, afraid of being called gold diggers, have stayed in such relationships, proving to the world that they can love broke guys but to be honest bills are not paid by good looks or passion. This is why my colleague thought being a gold digger is not such a bad idea. Women are attracted to hardworking men, and in this era where there are no more obvious roles, one needs to make sure their man can earn their own living. Many girls I talked to said they don’t prefer men with money just because they want them to give the money to them. They seemed to suggest that knowing a guy can provide for himself means they don’t have to worry about doing everything for him and still paying all the bills. I know people who don’t mind depending on their spouse entirely, both men and women. But I also know people who find it a problem for a spouse who depends on them for everything, men and women. So just like men, when women say they need someone that earns a living, they are trying to protect themselves from men who are just in it for the money, and they don’t mind being called gold diggers.

People wonder how things came to be the way they are now. And they keep asking what happened to the boy child, that he thought he could just be pretty and get free money from women. Some blame absentee fathers; but I keep thinking our destiny is in our own hands, and though we are free to blame others for it, we are also free to take it upon ourselves to shape it with our own hands. Others blame the feminist movement, while others blame all sorts of ideologies. But I think the biggest problem with the male crisis is their dependency on society’s approval. You will notice that even men who depend on their women financially want to masquerade to the public as the ones who pay bills so the public can think of them as ‘the man’. Women, who have succeeded on the other hand, are people who are self-motivated, who don’t care what the society thinks, who want to make money and provide a good life to their children and their spouses. Many men lack this self-awareness, and are driven by public perceptions. This is quite ironic because the society expects them to provide for their families. But then again, perhaps they hide under perceptions and ignore expectations. They don’t understand the whole concept, and in an attempt to deceive society, they lose themselves. Perhaps you have ideas to explain this whole crisis, as we are all guessing, but look carefully, and if there is a man you ever meet, help them realise that there is something really wrong with somebody they might know. That somewhere within their circles, there is a man who has retired and they need to wake up. This is a tough world; they need to prepare for it. They could be gold diggers, but today’s women are trying so hard to beat the system and are not willing to sacrifice it all for some one that doesn’t measure up. Do I sound so harsh? Guess what? So is life.